February 2012
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“That’s who you really like. The people you can think out loud in front of.”
– John Green
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“Life will break you. Nobody can protect you from that, and living alone won’t...”
– ― Louise Erdrich, The Painted Drum
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“I don’t want to sell anything, buy anything, or process anything as a career. I...”
– lloyd dobler in say anything
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this american life 450: so crazy it just might...
So Benny was 23 in Utah. And he would want you to know, before you hear anything else in this story, that he knows that he was an immature 23, because he was gay and a Mormon, which meant that he did not admit to others or himself that he was gay. So he was utterly unused to how to handle a crush, which is what this story is about, a crush.
The crushee is 18 and Mormon. And Benny met him when he came in for a job interview. In retrospect, Benny says, he was obviously straight. Though at the job interview--
Benny: He was flirtatious with me in that he wanted the job really bad. So he was very complimentary towards me. He kept telling me, "You're, like, the coolest guy I've ever interviewed with my entire life. You're so cool. You're the kind of guy that everybody wants to hang out with. And you've got this energy kind of emulating." And I was just-- I was so taken by him. And he had these long, black eyelashes and these blue eyes. And I was just all gawking at him.
Ira Glass: Really? Tell me everything you remember about stuff he said and stuff you said.
Benny: I remember saying to him, "You know, this isn't just a normal retail company. When people come through the door, it's very important to get intimate and just, like, lock eyes with people and make them feel-- like, really seduce them." And he's like, "Kind of like I'm seducing you right now?" And keep in mind, this boy is hopelessly straight. However, I was interpreting it the way I wanted it to go.
And I remember, he kept doing that little-- every time it would be like a touche moment, he would reach over and hit me, kind of-- "Yeah, bro," kind of hit me on the knee. And it was making me crazy.
Ira Glass: Oh, he touched you.
Benny: Several times.
Ira Glass: So you hire him for this job. And then he's working there at the company. And how often would you see him?
Benny: Well, I traveled Monday through Thursday. And then, once I hired him, I found myself finding all these excuses and reasons why I needed to be back in Utah. Oh, there's a big HR meltdown with this at this store. And I think there's a lot of theft problems, that we're having control issues at this store. Someone would give me one little thing, and I would come roaring back on a one-way ticket to Salt Lake City.
Ira Glass: Was he that cute?
Benny: I don't know what happened. Now that I look back, when I show people pictures of him, if I--
Ira Glass: You have pictures of him?
Benny: Well, I took several pictures of him. His friend, he and I ended up seeing each other. And I said, "Oh, I'm doing this end of the year slide show of all the employees. And oh, I don't have any pictures of him. So is there any possible way that you-- do you have any just lying around?" "Oh my gosh, yes. I have all these pictures of us when we went boating." "Oh, perfect."
So he brings all these pictures. And I end up, of course, picking out all of the shirtless ones. And he never questioned. He'd just, "Oh yeah, this is a good one, too." And I even remember him saying, "This one looks like some Abercrombie shot of him coming out of the water." And I said, "Yeah, I'll take that one, too. I think everyone will like that one."
Ira Glass: And did you use them?
Benny: Actually, I did put a couple of them in the slide show. But then, when I was done, I never gave them back to his friend. I had them, like, stashed all over the place. I mean, at one point, they were in my Book of Mormon, they were in my Bible. I was just such a mess, just a boiling pot of crazy. I look back now, and I still don't even know who that person is, to behave like that.
Ira Glass: And what did you say to yourself at the time? What did you think it was?
Benny: I would never, ever try anything. I would never-- because I always told myself I wasn't gay. But I was struggling with this thing that I didn't know what it was. And maybe other men, young men, struggle with the same thing. And maybe there would be a moment of vulnerability or a moment of confusion for him, where he would be possibly feeling the same thing I was. And maybe, I don't know, a cuddle or a kiss on the cheek or something very minor.
Ira Glass: That's really as far as you would go in your head?
Benny: When I was with him. There were times-- well, it went way further than that, obviously, in my private spaces. Way further, as far as it could possibly go. But then I just felt so horrible. And then, when I would see him, I would feel like I had done these things with him. And then I couldn't look at him. And there was all this guilt. I would then really beat myself up and say, oh, Benny, will you let Satan just get into your body like that and allow that? This is so evil. I would go there. I can't even begin to describe to you how exhausting it was. Coming out was not an option. It was so unfathomable.
Ira Glass: You were Mormon.
Benny: Mormon, and really believed it. I believed it so much that, around this time, there was a gay-straight alliance group at a high school, trying to form in Salt Lake. And I actually went to it to try and fight them off, to get it not to pass to be able to be at this school. I went and rallied there with some other Christians, Mormons. There was a big group.
Ira Glass: To prevent this group from existing.
Benny: Yeah, because I was very dedicated to also killing this, quote, "demon" that was inside of me, that I was told that was-- I had allowed this to come in. I had chosen this. There was no-- and because of the guilt--
Ira Glass: And when you were trying to prevent this group from starting up, did you feel like you were doing other people a favor? Or was it not even--
Benny: Mm-hmm. That was my redemption in what I was behaving like, thinking about guys, going into chat rooms. Any of those things that I was doing on the side, I felt, in the greater scope of things, that I was carrying the banner of God.
Ira Glass: Anyway, back to the crush. Soon enough, the 18-year-old turns 19 and gets called on a Mormon mission to Peru, which means that he'll be gone for two full years.
Benny: I was absolutely devastated. I went to his farewell. And his parents were all about, "Oh, he loves you so much. You're the greatest boss," yada, yada. Of course, you know how I took all of that. I'm just filing it in crazy town.
Ira Glass: The 19-year-old leaves. Benny stews for six months, driving his best friend Parker nuts with all of his obsessing. Parker, by the way, in this story, seems like the greatest guy in the world-- straight, Mormon, but understanding Benny better than Benny was understanding himself at the time. And it is with Parker, at 2:00 in the morning, that Benny comes up with his idea that is so crazy that it might just work.
Benny: I said, "We should go visit him in Peru." And Parker says, "You know what, Benny, let's go. Let's go. Let's go visit him. Yeah, let's go see him." And I said, "I'm serious. I will book the tickets tonight. And he said, "OK."
Ira Glass: Benny then goes to the 19-year-old's parents and says that he's taking a vacation to Peru. Would they want him to bring a package or something from the family, maybe? Seems like a nice offer. They say, of course. Everybody agrees to make it a surprise for the 19-year-old, more fun that way. So Benny and Parker fly to Peru, make their way to the remote mountain town where the 19-year-old was now a missionary. They wander around asking people, where is the Mormon church in town?
Benny: I ended up-- someone said, "Oh yes, we know where the Mormoni" or whatever they called it. They said, "Yeah, we know where the Mormons are." And so they told us where the chapel was. And we got to the chapel. And these elders were just, oh, my gosh. They're yelling through the church, "Oh, my gosh. Buddy from Utah is here. And, oh, my gosh, you just showed up. Like, who does that? That's the coolest thing. Dude, how expensive were those tickets?" It turns into to this big--
Ira Glass: Did you feel guilty at all?
Benny: Oh, my gosh. I felt, once I was there in the chapel and this started happening, all of a sudden, this very dark cloud came over me of, boy, you are messing with fire, because now, you're in the Lord's house, and you are waiting for this boy that you are crushing just obsessively over. And I started to become very uncomfortable.
And then, all of a sudden, one of the elders came. They said, "He's here." I felt as if I was going to puke. And then he came in. He walked right in. And when he walked in, he stopped in his tracks, and he's, "No way." And he just dropped all of his books. And he just, "What?" And he ran over to me, and he just grabbed me and hugged me so tight. It was so tight and so-- And he was like, "What are you doing here?" And Parker is friends with him. So Parker's like, "Hey, dude." Parker's going along with this ridiculous, cockamamie thing that I have done.
And he called his mission president or someone and said, "I have friends from Salt Lake City that are traveling through Peru." He got permission or something to come and take time with us. And so it's, like, 7 at night now. It's getting dark.
And freakin' Parker, he's like, "OK, I'm gonna--" And if you know anything about missionaries, you can't be away from your companion that's with you, can't separate from each other, ever, unless you're going to the bathroom. So Parker's like, "I'm gonna distract him enough, where we're in a conversation, where you can at least get a good 50 feet away from us, where he can still see you so it won't look weird. And you can spend some time with him and just talk to him, see how his mission's going."
So him and I sat on the steps of this cathedral. And I said, "How's the mission going?" And he started telling me. And then he just starts to cry. And then he says, "I feel like you're an answer to my prayer, because I have been struggling so much here." My heart is ready to beat out of my bloody body. I mean, it's just--
Ira Glass: This is your reaction.
Benny: I remember the pulse that was happening. It almost hurt.
Ira Glass: Because he said that, you're the answer to my prayer.
Benny: Yeah. And then he said, "I've been struggling." I said, "Listen. I've been on a mission. I know what that feels like. I have been here. I know how confusing and difficult and lonely it can be." And he said, "I just can't believe you came here." And then he said, "This has got to be the coolest thing anyone has ever done for me, to just come here and do something this, for you to come and see me." And then he said, "Wow, Benny, I feel so much happiness seeing you. And you are that kind of person that has always filled me with joy and hope. And every time I'm around you, I want to be better."
And then I just said, "Well, you know, I love you a lot." And he said, "I love you, too." And then it was like Tourette's. I couldn't even help myself. And I just said, "No. I love you." And then he kind of tilted his head. And he looked at me, and he said, "I love you, too, bro." I saw in his face, the way he looked at me.
And then, my eyes are starting to fill up with tears. I'm starting to panic. All of this that I've held inside of me is crumbling. Quivering lip, the whole puppy face, I can't even imagine what he was seeing. And Parker-- I look over. Parker, I see him in the background with his hand like, "cut it" to his neck. He just was looking at me like, "Benny, cut it." He was watching the body language. He could see what was unfolding. He was like, "Benny, just cut it."
And actually, this guy, he knew I had deviated from "I love you, bro." And then he's like, "You know, we gotta go. It's getting really dark." And I was crushed, because in that moment, it was like I'd been asleep and someone had woken me up.
And all of a sudden-- we were walking away, and I said to Parker, "He's straight, isn't he?" And Parker said, "Benny, yes. He is." And I just went crazy and started yelling at Parker. "How could you let me do this? You were supposed to be my voice of reason! You're my best friend! I confided in you in this! This is your fault! You put these thoughts in my head!" And I was so angry, I just started screaming at him in the middle of the street.
And I was bawling like a crazy person and just saying, "What is this feeling?" And he's like, "Benny, you're feeling crushed, like you're heart's breaking." He's like, "This is good. You're supposed to feel this. It's a little late." And I'm like, "Don't tell me how to feel! I want to go home. I don't even want to stay in Peru anymore." And Parker just sat.
And I said, "Tell me this. Have you known all along that this was going to happen?" He goes, "Well, to be honest, I didn't know you were going to do that. But of course I knew he was straight. I tried to tell you one time. You got a little weird about it. And I just decided in my head, Benny needs to experience this." I cried for hours. And Parker was just listening to me.
And then he was the one that said, "You imagine, Benny, feeling this but having someone reciprocating it." And I said, "You mean, with a gay guy?" And he said, "Well, yeah, because that's the only guy that's going to do that with you." And then it was this journey to coming out of the closet. That was what cracked it opened, you know?
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I think Tina Fey and Amy Poehler should host next...
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last night my brother and i switched beds, so i...
meaning i got the best night’s sleep i’ve had in a long time!
i dreamed that i met john cusack at a party in a really hip area in lawrence that looked like a european city… but then i noticed that he didn’t know what i was talking about when i quoted high fidelity, so i googled him somehow and he was just an impersonator! i was so bummed :(
i also stole something from a...
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